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http://shadows-of-silence.blogspot.com/
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gah i screwed up. i admit it.

i didnt post again on this blog to keep it alive, i jus really wanted to record my feelings somewhere. i don't want to be heard by everyone, but i want to voice it out.

why is it that i always screw up friendships which i want to develop? somehow, it's just so ironic. to me, there are two main types of friends, firstly the kind who are like acquaintances, they are on good terms with me, and well its like just a good pleasant relaxed relationship where everyone can sit together and laugh at jokes, and the second, the closer kind, whom you can confide in, be lifelong buddies with, chat anytime, meet up to play sports, and jus spend great time together.
and the thing is that i always maintain a good relationship with the first kind of friends, no particular conflicts and everything just goes well, but yet, for the second kind, i always meet up with all sorts of problems and screw up. and its really so hard and so rare to get a number of the second kind of friends. life always sux, whenever i try so hard to establish the second kind of friendship, in the end i screw it up and i end up on bad terms with someone.

i've always wanted a brother honestly. a younger brother. and i thought i found one. it was like kind of just trying to be funny to one of my classmates in the gym. and then it led to me saying that this guy was my younger brother. and then both of us became good friends. i admit, initially i was so mad about it, like "wow so cool! feels like i finally have a younger brother!" and then we kinda carried on with it. it was quite fun once, when both of us shared this blog where we would post about life, and i'll be called "biggie". and we also played conquer together, played gunbound together. it felt good to be like brothers.
we chatted much initially, he would initiate convos with me, and we could chat for quite long actually. talked about all sorts of things, from his relatives overseas, and his unique weird name starting with 'd', and then to school, to ice skating and all sorts of stuff. it was so easy to chat. we had relaxed convos, and we treated each other like good friends. walk past each other in school will say 'hi', and even having occasional conversations in school. and i even asked him to go ice skating last december when i went with some guys from 4T and oip, but he didnt go, and then i told him another time. but i don't even know whether its possible anymore.

anyway, then the convos got lesser and lesser. i've never forgotten the time when he said this, "gotmehwhyibusycannotahmaybeyoushouldbetheonetakingtheinitiativeinsteadofeverytimealsoitalkfirst". it did strike me hard. it's true, he's almost always the one initiating a convo. i had my faults too. yea i started trying to change. and just two days ago, this happened

(his replies are in italic and i'm in normal font)
"hey good luck for your match tmr :D"
"kay thanks"
"why you always so"
"busy?"
"nah dat wasnt wht i was thinking of"
"nvm"
"cya tmr then"
"bye"
"bb"
"nah its jus very hard to tok 2 u at times"
"or jus chat"
"oh lols okay"
"funny meh"
"nope"
"okay bye"
"i wanna sleep"

and just ytd,
"how was ur match?"
______ has changed his/her status to Busy
"i talk to u, u immediately change to busy mode =.="
"nice try"
"dun wan to tok, nxt time jus say"

and then i blocked him.
i know its so attitude and stupid. my anger jus overwhelmed me so much. because i wanted things to change, and i was quite frustrated. i wanted it to impact him! and thus my harsh words.
did i do anything wrong before? well i was trying to talk, but i didnt get wht i wanted. i was mad, i admit. cause i simply couldn't think of any reason. or maybe it was just the simple fact that he was real busy, but that didnt register in my head at all because i was so angry.

i know friendship is a reciprocating relationship, when one party doesn't take the effort to make friends, the other won't be inclined to take the effort too. i realise i may have been kind of selfish in the past, i always thought he would be the one talking to me. now i know that, i should also be doing my part to make friends and to talk more.

anw like i said, everytime i wan to establish the second kind of friendship, i always go through a great time with the person and then somehow, for some reason, i'll jus screw it up. it gets so frustrating. its like as though i'm so eager to have such a close friend and then i rush it out, and because i rush it out so much, my expectations of such a friend suddenly rises so much and then i'll screw things up. most of the friends who are the second kind are those from my primary school, who followed me all the way to the present. i know, the reason why i'm so close to them is because i had lots of interaction with them and i had a lot of time, we met up a lot, played soccer, played tennis, went back to cat high, went out to watch movie, there were simply hell lots of gatherings and we went through a lot together. but sometimes, in friendships where i want to develop into the second kind, there just isn't TIME and a great lack of interaction. and then i'll start hastening everything up and like i said, my expectations would rise and i would start to treat them like the 2nd kind of friends already, when i know that our friendship hasn't reached that stage yet. but i do hope to establish the 2nd kind of friendship with him, it's always good to make more close friends and i know he'll be a good one, if i felt that he wasn't worth it at all, i wouldn't even bother writing this post.

yea and back to the main story, just when i wanted to unblock him, he goes offline. fate.

ok i admit i've been in a bad mood these past few days, k? coz a lot's been happening, in the family, in school, in CCA, and even with sec 1s. it made me lose control of my emotions and i start screwing things up. its my fault. yesterday i really wanted to find someone to chat with and i was kinda looking forward to chatting with him the way we used to, then when i wasn't answered, it just all rushed to me, all the past frustrations and i started screwing things up. perhaps he was really busy, or perhaps he felt that i took him for granted and didn't do my part in reciprocating the friendship. he even replied "busy?" when i asked him "why you always so", that already showed that he was indeed busy. how foolish was i? and i know very well that the fact that his mode changed to busy after i talked was a pure coincidence and not on purpose. i should think more rationally next time.
now that i think of it, i was really rash and reckless. i might take some time myself to answer some people when i'm really busy. i know there were a few times when we actually talked quite a bit too. perhaps i should be more open-minded in the future and, yes, chat with an eagerness but still not overreact when i don't get eager replies. sometimes i just get too sensitive cause i'm so worried that some friend is not interested in talking anymore because of something i did, and then i overreact and screw things up. i know he's not like that in the hols, he talks much more in the hols. so obviously its because he's quite busy now. we really aren't as free as we were last time.
i'm really too sensitive, and i just wasnt in a very good mood either. and i know i shouldn't expect so much from a friend whom i'm not that close to yet. perhaps i should try to improve our friendship first before i start to expect more. after this incident, i think he's probably not on such good terms with me anymore. nowhere near best friends, i guess. but i'll make sure that i'll try hard to be as good a friend as i can, in the hope that we can go back to normal and chat like good friends. yea its my fault. i'm sorry.

honestly, right now, i really don't know how to move on. i dont know what to do. should i go apologise to him personally and explain my actions? well, friends should definitely do that. after all, friends are meant to forgive each other and appreciate each other even more. friends are meant to be always there for you, no matter how you have upset them. perhaps i should really do that.
or should i write my apologies in my pm and hope he gets my msg?
will he be willing to put aside all my selfishness, self-centredness, sensitivity and still regard me as his friend? and will he get the point i was trying to make throughout this post?

its quite draining to pour out so much. but at least it felt good after pouring everything out.

after writing all this, i realise i really do care a lot about relationships. perhaps its the person i am. and actually i'm not that emotional la. its just that i dont wan to screw up especially when it comes to the 2nd kind of friends.

i guess i can do nothing about it now. i'll just wait for tomorrow and see what happens.

Music changes everything<'3
Rock rock rock :D